Bringing my life plans

I drew this with pencil and outlined it with Visconti rollerball and coloured it with gouache paint and coloured it with Faber Cast ell Polychromous Pencil Colour.

As in my previous post, at the end of my education in Universitas Pelita Harapan, a lot has happened. I tend to rush things, wanting to run in this race of life, instead of taking it step by step and to walk by Him. But He has been good, always good. I was upset when I did not get accepted into Ivy League schools. I was disappointed and very upset. However, he provided a way and now I will be finishing my LLM at University of Sydney. And also, I have been applying for jobs. I do not know what He wants for my life, but I know it is for my good and for His glory as stated in Romans 8:28.

I prayed in 2015 that I hoped to be able to apply my legal skills and hone my writing and art skills too. He has been good, and always good. The education I am doing and the blog I have been starting to write has indeed fulfilled my desires unto His plan for my life. I do not know what else He has planned for Him, but it is fulfilling indeed to trust Him in every aspect of my life. In John 15:4, God asks us to remain in Him, so that He may remain in us and that we may bear fruits. I pray that I may bear fruits that may be a pleasing aroma to God and also that I may be a blessing to others.

I hope one day I can help people using my legal, art and writing skills. I do not know what the future holds, but God holds me. In Song of Solomon, the writer says, “I am my Beloved, and His love is for me.” May I be reminded of this truth and be grounded in His love. I pray also to whoever is reading this that you may trust God and surrender all your life to Him because He knows what you need and want, and that He always wants the best for you and knows what is good for you. After a long journey of distrust, I finally realised that God never meant harm for me. He always has loved me, and will always love me, and will never leave me, let alone give snakes to His children, how more O’ friends He will give to us as our earthly father would give us bread…O’ How deep is your love O’ Lord. Help us to trust You and love You more day by day. In Jesus name, Amen.

True Love

This is an interpretation of David Bowman’s painting of Jesus Christ Hugging Child

Jesus loves all His children, but who will walk with Him? The Holy Spirit pushes me, speaks for me, for the Holy Spirit desires Jesus. I always try to find something that could fill me, the yearning to be loved. As I searched everywhere, I found no fulfilment. It is only in His embrace, that I am filled with love and grace. I had no desire whatsoever at first. But He kept loving me, tenderly, passionately, gently. When I searched for love, I found nothing in this world. Only in Jesus, I can say… His embrace, His acceptance. His love is the fulfilment of my soul and desire. Let this be our prayer in this Easter.

Dear Jesus,
I want to put you first in my life. Let nothing hold first place in my heart except you Jesus. Let me be your vessel so that your love can pass through me and into me. Let me walk with you and be closer to you each day and let me love you more and more and passionately. Father, I am your child, and I want to be entrusted by You to do Your will. Use me for your glory and always embrace me with love and grace each day. Give me joy and peace and never let me go. I want to be like You, Father. I want to walk with You. And I want to be transformed. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

Let this Easter be a reminder of the yearning of a Father who loves His child and waits for His child to be in His embrace, and His wish for the child to love Him, revere Him and grow with Him. Someday, we will be united with the bridegroom. Let us prepare ourselves for that day.

Loving Him

I drew this with Carand’ache mechanical pencil and painted it with Kuretake watercolours layering it one by one

Many people seem to confuse what this verse from Deuteronomy 6:5 says ,”Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.” Is it a linear position where we put Him first and disregard the other important things in our life such as family, relationships, work school. To answer that, it is linear but linear in the sense that it branches out. Putting God first in your heart does not mean disregarding other parts of your life such as family relationships, school, work. Loving Him means involving Him in every parts of your life, this is where the linear position is is linear like a tree but branches out with the roots, involving every part of your life to the root of it and giving it all to God. This means being honest with Him what are your desires, pain, hurt, disappointments.

It is not easy to put God first in which we surrender every detail and parts of our lives to Him. We think it is much easier to handle it ourselves. Like decision of which school to go to, what job should I apply to, whom should I marry, and other things. But we must remember He has a good plan for those who love Him such in Romans 8:28, “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.” It is hard to surrender and trust Him with all our plans, but isn’t it much harder to handle it alone?


The Books that Save Me

I am a girl. I am a daughter. I am a student. Beyond all that, I have a secret. A secret that lies within the library books, a secret which is a stigma yet a power which made me be a better person. As a little girl, I would be immersed in the words of Dahl, Wilson and Blyton. My imaginations of these childhood fantasies were vivid and real, one thing books does to me is that it makes me calm. I have not realized the danger of my imagination.

It began on a rainy day; I did not get what I wanted. Suffice to say, it made me upset. My imaginations in this case were a danger for my mental and physical state. Thoughts came rushing in my mind, pulling me away from reality. It was a deep and dark moment. I did not wake up for school. I did not want to meet people. I was alone and scared of slipping away into the depths of abyss. My parents were worried. They did not know what to do with their beloved only child.

As the rationality of her mind was overshadowed by her imagination, she turned to a safe haven where she could unleash all her disappointments and shame in the place where she could call home, the library. Here she learned about the power of books in shaping and correcting her imagination. She stumbled upon the book “Unquiet Mind”. She read this book about a psychiatrist who had mental illness. She did not know what she had then, but somehow she could relate and be comforted that at least in the world, there was someone who felt like she had, hopeless and going crazy, for there was no end in the voices inside her head.

Her grades were falling. She had fewer friends. No one would like to approach her because she was so gloomy. Her family tried to help but they could not understand why she was like this. She could not stop the feeling of being trapped in darkness. She could not stop her mind from racing with negative thoughts. But alas, all she could do was go to that safe haven, the library. Again, she found solace and comfort in books. The smell of paper, the crispness, the texture, everything about a book makes her calm and seem to relax her. She read C.S Lewis in “Mere Christianity” and learned that above all, there is someone there, someone greater than all of us, looking over her.

I am in my car. The sun shone on my head and I feel comforted. I do not know why but I feel that the books I have been reading are like speaking to me. It made me realize that however bad it may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed that, quoted from the book “Theory of Everything” by Jane Hawkings. I had lost hope. I thought no one would understand how I feel, how trapped I feel. Books are like a friend to me. They speak to me when I read, it is a two-way street, and it is interactive. How can I explain what books are like to me? It is just like love on a sunny day eating ice cream.

Then again, this girl became upset again. Her thoughts poison her very soul. She was desperate to seek new hope in her despair. She happen to stumble on the passage in Psalm 88, it exactly resembles her state of mind and soul. The book spoke to her, it gave her comfort and made her realize one thing. There are many people in the world that suffered like her. She thought that she was the only one who is suffering.

Everyday, this girl goes to the library after classes. Because not only did she gain comfort, she acquired the thing called friendship. It changed her perspective in life, and allowed her to accept who she is, despite her failures and weaknesses. The books told her indirectly to love and appreciate herself, and not to look at her suffering as though it is the worst thing that happened in the world, because let’s face it, there are many people who suffered more.

I am back again to the library. I do not know why, but now my thoughts stopped racing. They seem to flow like the water, I accept my thoughts but I am not again alarmed by my imagination. I learned that imagination is a wake-up call to my conscience, which leads me back to sanity. Though sometimes I feel upset, it does not drag me away from life. I fell down and got back up again. I could not say whether those books are God’s way of talking to me, but I learned one thing from these books, that God has a good plan for those who believe in Him. Whatever He plans, it is the best of us, even though sometimes He allows suffering to happen in order for good to come out of that.

This girl has grown beyond measures. She has learned to identify her suffering with the suffering of others. She has learned that even after a tragic event, people can still succeed in what they do. She has learned that despite all, God is there. What all of you may not realize is that, she has depression. It is now common among teenagers to experience that. However, some teenagers never recover from that state. She is lucky enough to have advices coming from the books in the library that brought light into her life. Books are written words and ideas from different kinds of people. She learned from these various authors the value of accepting yourself and despite of having difficulties, to have hope. Beyond those pages of books, she knew in her heart that someone, up there was watching over her. For being able to show her that sufferings are part of life, and for showing that she is loved, she learned to be kind to herself, throughout it all, the library was her sanctuary, the books were her mentors, but above all He is overseeing things to happen, He made her read those books, and He made her realize that she was valuable beyond measure.


A Stigmatised Issue Dealt by Women

Women and charities are interrelated. Based on a study by Women’s Philanthropy Institute at the University of Indiana, women are as much as 40% likely to donate than men. (TIME, Newcomb, 2011) Women are sympathetic. Therefore, they tend to donate to the organizations they feel strongly about. One of the main organizations is the mental health organization created by women. WISH is a mental health charity founded in 1987 in the UK. They provide services to women at prisons or hospitals and help them come back into the community. The stigma about women getting sick and becoming mentally ill is an issue. More mental health conference are held, one of them is lead by International Association for Women’s Mental Health.

Imagine the pain and rejection these women have to endure. There is the ridicule and mocking from their peers regarding their disability. What if you have a friend or a family that is mentally ill? There must be a support system in the society. It may be through either support groups, psychiatrists, counselors, family or close friends. There is not much awareness and information raised about mental health in Indonesia. We rarely see people with mental health issues being embraced and accepted in society. There is a harsh sentiment around this issue and they treat mental illness as if it is a disease. That is why there is a need for more compassionate and sensitive people to care for these people.

Another scenario is when a teenage girl undergoes depression. Who can understand what she is feeling? Many of these girls feel like there is no end to this black cloud and they cannot seem to get out of it. Talking to the counselors may help but they are just there to advise you. It is up to you to make the decision to get better. The counselors are not there 24/7. Young girls grow to become teenagers and teenagers become adult who will soon become mothers. Indonesia should understand how important mental health is and create centers for women who need support and encouragement when they are mentally ill. Is it not important to have a stable woman in the family (as they are mothers whom which children look to)? Would they not lead better and meaningful lives? It is an issue that is still sensitive. More people should take the stand and contribute to the growing sector of the mentally ill women.

(This article was published in Student Globe in 2013)

Student Globe is Jakarta Globe’s sister company.

Plans, plans, and plans…

As I ponder to myself, I am not focused on my goals. I have so many different plans. Essentially, all I want to be is a success. Going to Ivy League schools, working in top-tier firms, getting lots of money. But I realised that is not what is important, my focus in life is to build my character and to be able to serve others through the talent I have. Whatever I do, whatever I achieve, I hope to contribute to society.


You can make plans, but if it does not succeed, do not lose hope. Maybe some things do not happen the way you want it to, but know that, whatever happens, essentially it is for our growth and character building. I realised that I do have high expectations, and that is good, because it is what drives me to push through the hard times, but I also reflected on this, and think again, that I have to lower my expectations so it will be realistic. What I am capable of, what my experience is, what skills I have and connect it to which dream school I could apply. If I do not get into the schools I applied to the US, I would not be upset, because nevertheless, I am a work in progress. I have achieved more than what my teachers, friends, and parents expected. It may not be much to the world’s calibre because the world has a certain definition of success: to go to an Ivy League school, have lots of money, be a slim figure, have a good career and so on. At least, I managed to finish high school and law school. That is my biggest accomplishment to date.

I do not have to be down because of rejection. Rejection is another word for failure, and failure is another way to success. If you keep pushing through and keep going on when you fail, and try again, you will ultimately reach success. Perseverance in adversity, is important. Whatever I experience in this life makes me learn, that failure, success, ups and downs shapes me to be a unique individual. Everyone experiences that also, and I believe every person in this world is unique.

In regards to people, there are some people who are rejected by society. The mentally ill, the sick, the poor, all those are not accepted in society. But we as human beings, must learn to accept these people. They are in their situation right now because of circumstances that happen. Aside from my desires to succeed, I have a yearning to help these people. I do not know what specific legal field I have to be in to help these people, and how I am going to utilise my other talents like music and art to be a blessing to these people. But I know He has a plan for my life, and I want to follow whatever He decides for my life.

To close, ambition itself is good, but do not get carried, and do not be upset when rejected. Ultimately, His plan is the best plan for each of us, it will help us to love Him and love others more, and also build ourselves to be more like Him.

Comparison is the thief of joy

As the saying goes… the grass is always greener on the other side. I used to like to compare to other people. Be it compare myself with their intelligence, material wealth, physical beauty. Those action of comparison may lead to jealousy and envy. What I learned is that comparison does not make you any happier… it just makes you more bitter. It may push you to achieve things but what is the pursue of all things with no end? I am still learning not to compare… what I did was realise how blessed I am and start being grateful for what I have. It is hard to be grateful when you have been through something difficult…but each breath counts. Each individual has unique talents and portions. If these individuals focus on their wellbeing, they can achieve things; whilst if you keep comparing with other people, how are you going to focus on your path and achieve what you were planned to do? Comparison is the thief of joy. Joy can come in being satisfied in your current situation, be it in hard circumstances or easy circumstances, knowing that God has everything planned for good for those He loves and that He will finish the good work in us.

Let us have endurance in finishing the race



Amidst all the pain and suffering, this verse reminds me to focus on God’s love. What He did for me at the cross. All my guilt and shame, sins, He took it upon Himself, that I may be clothed in Christ. It was not easy to accept God loving me a first because I asked myself, ‘How could God love a broken person such as myself?’ But I have no right to question that and in His mercy and grace, He showed me He truly loved me and accept me as I am. As God regards me as an apple of His eyes, He leads me beside quite waters. I used to question God’s love because He did not give me what I want but as the Bible says His ways are higher than ours and God knows best what is good for me. To focus on God’s love is to give thanks to Him and to trust Him that He who started the good work on us will finish it until completion.


In regards to endurance. Christ endured trials and suffering because of us. We can be strong in Him because He gives us strength in times of need. He who endured temptation will help guide our hearts to turn away from evil and put the enemy under our heel. And we ought to run with endurance the race that lies before us. And let us be confident in the end and boldly declare ‘I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.’

This is the original version in my journal using the Paper App in my iPhone and Unsplash using the words roses and bird. The word grace was free flow writing.

Discipline in doing things step by step

This watercolour of a chicken and calligraphy is done by me on the Paper app and also using watercolour from Kuretake

Smart is useless if we don’t have the discipline. I realised that now. For instance, if we try to achieve things without caring for our basic needs, we will be sick. Discipline to exercise, to have a healthy body is also difficult. Another thing is spiritual discipline for those religion where you ought to read the Bible and pray everyday. Reading the Bible ought not to be as a means of getting God’s approval but it is to deepen our relationship to Him and be renewed in our thinking also to be able to discern what is right and wrong. Years of wrong thinking or believing something negative about yourself can make you defensive, frustrated, lethargic. It is then also important to take the time to meditate, to reduce the chatter in the mind. Currently, I am doing what I enjoy, starting again, to draw and paint, which is also a discipline when setting aside time for it and to practice it. In addition, I am also preparing for my studies in class, reading bit by bit to finish my law books and supplementary materials.

One thing everyone has to do is to get up early, which is also a discipline! Setting aside time to do routine, quiet time, shower, breakfast, do art, music, writing, and studying. Keeping consistent while focusing on the goal of finishing my Master of Laws at University of Sydney. It requires effort to unlearn all the negatives in me, and starting to practice the good habits. However so, I am learning to do it step by step to reach the goal until the end when I finish the race in this lifetime.